Never Waste a Good Crisis

A mid-life crisis, as the name suggests, is a fear-based reaction to the sudden acute awareness of one’s limited life span and failures to achieve goals and dreams.  And any time you react based upon fear, the result is usually not good.  A person going through a mid-life crisis will typically try to assuage their fears (or dull their awareness of them) by looking to external things.  A new lover / spouse, hot new car, etc. with great mis-guided concern about what others think of them.  Unfortunately this approach never works because it is the opposite of acceptance of what is.  And until one reaches that acceptance they will never find true peace.  Quite often, once the manic phase of a mid-life crisis burns out, the person reverts to “settling” for their current life situation.  Not a very inspired way to live the rest of one’s life.  By the way, “settling” and “acceptance” are worlds apart.

A mid-life transformation starts out the same way –a sudden realization that a) life is short (and getting shorter by the day), and b) you are not happy with your current state of affairs.  Those who use this new-found awareness as a jumping off point for true transformation react quite differently from those is “crisis” mode.  There is no panic or fear-based reaction.  The first thing that happens is true acceptance of what is, then a deep inquiry as to what can be.

A mid-life transformation is an inside job, internally focused.  There is little concern about what others think –a good thing because many people going through true transformation tend to lose many of their “friends” who are threatened by the “new you”.  A mid-life transformation is about assessing (and being grateful for) all the skills and experience you have acquired so far and re-purposing them to design and live the life you want.  A mid-life transformation is not about acquiring anything, it is about releasing what was always inside of you that was afraid to come out all those previous years.

There is something far worse than a mid-life crisis however.  And that is being so dead inside that you never have one.  Millions of otherwise hardworking, decent law-abiding people exist with barely a flicker of life.  They go through the motions, smile when appropriate, tip the waiter, say hi to the mailman and hang out with friends whose lives are as dead as theirs.  These are people who are so afraid of who they really are and the possibility of their own greatness that they bury any glimpse of that awareness.  They’re born, they live, they die and all they have to show for it is a little 2″ dash between dates on their tombstone.  These are people who live complaining about what is and die with nothing but regrets.

 Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.

~~Henry David Thoreau

So if you had (or are about to have) a mid-life crisis –celebrate! It means you are still alive and a bit more aware.  Now the trick is to turn that awareness into an opportunity to transform your life from the inside out.  Take full responsibility and go for everything you are worth until your last breath.  Do that and I guarantee you will live life fully and have no regrets at the end of this journey.

The Most Alienating Word In the English Language

It’s amazing how the innocent, tiny word “I” can cause so much trouble –especially since it is so endearing to those who use it liberally.  Don’t let its size fool you because it packs a huge punch.  The moment you use the word “I” (or one of its cousins “me”, “mine” etc.) whether verbally or in print, you have made yourself just a bit harder to see and those who you are communicating with, harder to be seen.  The more you use it, the worse the effect.

The reason this happens is that it is hard-wired into our human nature to want to be seen by others.  The moment someone uses “I” when communicating with you, they have preempted your chance at being seen by insisting that you see them first.  Which of course has the exact opposite effect because now (feeling somewhat dissed) you concentrate even more about being seen by them rather than really listening to what they are saying.  This can devolve rather quickly to the point where even two friends at dinner end up just txting others because of the illusion of “connection” that txting can give oneself.  You’ve probably seen it happen.

Have you ever been with a friend, colleague or family member who rudely txts while supposedly spending quality time with you?  And if so, how does that make you feel?  In that context, txting is a sign of severe “I” disease.  You apparently are not “seeing” them enough so they disconnect from you and delude themselves into thinking that whomever they are txting is somehow seeing them more.  Meanwhile you are making a mental note to never invite them again.

As bad as that is, it can be worse, much worse.  For example, a friend who is so self-absorbed that practically every other word out of her mouth is “I” (with lots of “me”, “my” and “mine”s thrown in for good measure).  To the point that you are not really there except simply as a mirror through which they can admire themselves that much more.  This is a form of narcissism that typically precludes these types of individuals from having any real meaningful long-term relationships and often has them wondering cluelessly as to why that is.

So, how do you cure “I” blindness?  It’s really so simple, that it has been right in front of your nose all the time…

Say Bye, Bye, Bye to All Those I, I, I’s

You want to connect powerfully (and be seen clearly) by your family, friends, prospects and clients?  It’s easy, eliminate the word “I” from your vocabulary and substitute ”you”, “your”, “yours”.  Do that consciously and watch the magic happen.  For example, before you hit “SEND” on your next email, take a moment to count how many “I’s” it contains –you will probably will be blown away by the number.  Now, rewrite the email to eliminate every one of them –that’s right, every single one with the focus shifted to the recipient.  This takes practice at first, however after a few times it will become second nature and you will never send an I-filled email again.

Doing this verbally with another person can be challenging.  So here’s a way to make it fun for both of you.  Next time you have a meal with a friend (always best to practice with them first :0), agree to the rule that the first person to say five or more “I’s” during the meal picks up the tab.  In the highly unlikely event that neither of you used “I” five or more times, you split the tab.  The beauty of this approach (once you gotten over the “gotcha” attempts playful friends try at first) is that it forces you to consciously ”see” the other person first.  And when one person feels seen, they will usually reciprocate.  The only exception to this is if the other person happens to be a narcissist –in that case your efforts of seeing them just feeds their bottomless hunger to be the center of attention (at least it’s a great way to get a lot of free meals :0)

The bottom line is this:  If you want to be truly seen by others, strive to see them first.  And the way to do this is to have the courage to lose your “I’s”.

Funny Anecdote:

Imagine living with a college roommate for almost a year who has only known you to have a full head of very blond straight hair AND a very jet-black curly beard (quite a striking combination :0).  Then one day, after months of living together, you completely shave off your beard.  When the roommate comes home that evening you ask if he notices anything different about you.  He looks and looks and can’t for the life of him see any change.  Then you tell him and he about falls on the floor.  Talk about not being seen – this actually happened.  And as a postscript, this “blind” roommate ended up going into real estate sales :0)

“Making” things happen is a very western way of thinking that resides firmly in the ego.  In essence, when you try to make things happen, this is what you are really saying about how it will get done:

• In my way
• Within my time schedule
• Using my resources
• Under my control

“Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead –ram anybody or anything that gets in our way!”  Are you beginning to see the problem here?  Especially when others are all taking the same approach.  Everyone struggles and he/she who struggles most/best wins –that is if you call being exhausted, uptight and frustrated most of the time “winning”.

There is another way that is so powerful you may be tempted to think that it is just too simple to ever work.  It’s called “creating a space” for things to happen.  Instead of fighting for every inch, go with the natural flow of things.  Open up the space of possibility for what you want to happen.  Now for you to successfully employ this method and enjoy all of its benefits (relaxed effortlessness, serendipity, greater outcomes than what you intended, etc.) there is a few things you need to let go of.

First is the illusion that you have control over anything other than your own choices.  Anything else is just part of the mystery and wonder of life.  Secondly (and this is REALLY important) let go of any attachments to the outcomes.  This means being dispassionate about whether or not you achieve your objectives no matter how badly you want them.  When you marry strong intention (i.e. what you want) with letting go of the need for control and not being attached to outcomes you have by definition created a space for your intentions to happen.  This is a powerful space in which miracles occur effortlessly and often bigger and better than you intended.  They may not happen in the way you intended, on your time schedule, or through your resources, yet they will happen never-the-less.

This doesn’t mean sitting back waiting for things to happen –not at all.  It means taking the steps with full commitment you deem necessary for fruition, yet being open to any possibility that may result from your efforts.  By the way, this approach is even more powerful in relationships.  When’s the last time you tried to “make” a relationship happen? (and how did that work for you?)  In this context making a space for a desired relationship means showing up fully for the other person yet not being attached to whether or not they respond in the way you wish.

There is a corollary to this principle that basically states that the more you try to make things happen, the less space you create to allow them to occur with little or no effort and the more fear is pushing you away from what really works.  There is no valor in struggle when there is an easier, more natural way.

The next time you feel tempted to swim upstream just ask yourself how tired do you really want to be when you finally get to where you want to go –only to be taken down stream once again anyway.  Fight life or flow with it –it’s your choice.

Anytime we work on achieving a goal, we are acutely aware that there two possible outcomes: we either achieve it or we don’t.  And for most people, the more intensely committed we are to achieving our goal the sweeter the taste of victory when we do, and likewise, the more bitter taste of defeat when we don’t.  As a result, the greater the effort and commitment expended, the more we tend to become attached to tasting the sweet and avoiding the bitter.  This approach makes achieving big goals a rather tense affair, even to the point to where we don’t bother because we can’t stand the possibility of not achieving them.

Now what if we took an entirely different approach to achieving any goal or objective, no matter how big.  Imagine for a moment being totally and completely committed to achieving a big goal where you are giving it everything you got.  And, (this is the important part) not being attached to the outcome.  In other words, you truly become indifferent to the whether your goal is realized or not.  Kind of makes your head hurt doesn’t it.

Being totally committed to every endeavor without being attached to the results of your efforts is one of the most powerful secrets to true and lasting success.  Here’s why:

• You have more energy available to achieve your goal – that’s because you don’t waste any of it on worrying about what will happen if you don’t achieve it;
• You have more creative resources to achieve your goal – being unattached puts you in the present moment like nothing else.  No longer are you concerned about the future.  This empowers you to focus on the “right now” which is where any goal is ultimately achieved.  Also, being in the present allows you to access other creative possibilities that you may not have considered if worrying about the future outcome.
• Failure becomes a stepping stone to success – not a gauntlet of self-doubt and incrimination to be avoided at all costs.
• It’s a lot more fun! – when you are in the moment working on something important without worry of the ultimate outcome you will simply enjoy your efforts that much more.

A straight line from point A to point B is rarely the quickest path.  We often run into many detours, road blocks and alternative routes that at first seem to take us further away from where we want to go.  Yet these are all part of any process to achieve anything worthwhile.  How you react to these unexpected twists and turns and whether you choose to treat them like the adventure they are, or barriers to your progress will ultimately determine how fast and often you reach your goals.

Commitment without attachment to outcome is a skill that can be developed.  Start practicing with small goals first just to see the relief it give you.  Then work up to the big ones –your life will never be the same.

“What are your mooring lines?”  In other words, what is holding you back from being the very best you can be.  The reason this question is so powerful is that it puts the responsibility of our life and business success squarely on our shoulders and no longer allows us to blame others.

As you know, mooring lines are the things that prevent hot-air balloons from rising, planes from taking off and ships sailing away.  In just the same way, they are the things that prevent us from soaring, from truly living life fully, from achieving our highest business success.  Mooring lines are unique to each person.  No two people have the exact same ones.

There are many different types of mooring lines.  See if any of these ring true for you:

• Limiting Beliefs – seeing your world as “small” so you feel safe in being small.  Not accepting possibilities that are right in front of your nose for all kinds of “because” your mind will throw your way.  You were designed to live and work large and this mooring line will prevent you from doing that.
• People and Relationships – chances are you have existing relationships that are absolutely holding you back.  These creatures can take the form of “energy vampires” (where you feel exhausted just being around them), “complainers and nay-sayers” (who quickly throw a wet blanket on any attempt to change for the better) and “green monsters” (who outwardly applaud your successes yet inwardly seethe with envy).  These mooring lines can be hard to cut because our society puts such a high value on relationships (as it should).  Yet here’s the thing, when you cut these lines it frees you up to find new relationships that support rather than constrain.
• Negative Emotions – anger, frustration, etc. (to name a few) can all be powerful mooring lines because they take up so much of our energy and time.  The way to cut these lines is learning to become “unattached” to outcomes.  The fine skill of being totally committed to something yet unattached as to whether you achieve it or not is one of the most powerful you can have for both business and life.
• Lack of Gratitude – seeing the glass as half-empty vs. half-full holds you back from seeing unbelievable possibilities.  Now imagine how different your life and business would be if you saw everything that happens to you, no matter how devastating, as a blessing in disguise.
• Being Shut Down – sometimes the pain of life is so unbearable we shut our heart down to avoid feeling it anymore.  The problem is that you don’t feel anything else anymore as well.  The way to cut this mooring line is to imagine your heart being open, even in painful or threatening situations (which admittedly takes lots of practice).  And once you let this line go, you are free to accept the most powerful gift life can offer us, love.

You may be wondering why “Fear” was not part of that list. Actually, the very strands of every mooring line are woven with the fiber of fear. Behind each one is fear when you really get down to it.  It just shows up in different forms.

Now here’s the best news. No one but you is holding on to your mooring lines.  You have the free will, the choice, to let each and every one of them go.  Will it be easy?  Most likely not.  Will it be worth it?  You already know the answer.

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.  — Benjamin Franklin

Every relationship starts out with potential and branches out from there.  Sometimes those branches lead to an amazingly productive and positive outcome, which is what everyone desires.  No one goes into a relationship hoping it will fail!  Where the bough breaks is when your purposes for the relationship are not aligned.  From there, a power struggle of sorts ensues as each individual tries their best to get something from the other.

When meeting new clients, agents have an introduction period where they get to know and understand their new prospect, and with enough experience this is generally sufficient for your purposes.  But what if the client isn’t entirely up front?  What if the person just wants to go window shopping – next thing you have over invested your time driving him around just to satisfy curiosity.  Or, perhaps you are working with a couple who as it turns out are at odds in what they are looking for in a house!  Sometimes these things don’t become apparent until after you are already invested in the client relationship.

An easy way to avoid this is to create a simple needs assessment (read this as “Real Estate Relationship Readiness Assessment”!).  As part of your interview process, have the individual complete it, or in the case of a couple have both fill it out separately then compare.  By doing so, you are managing expectations – yours and theirs.  This will allow you to keep the relationship on a productive and positive course by serving both the immediate need as well as giving you insight into future desires, which increases your ability to serve the client.

The tough part is when you have to pull out of a relationship before getting over invested.  And let’s face it, it’s going to happen in life more than once.  Once you realize you and the other person are not aligned in purpose, it’s very difficult to back track.  To do so would be changing either yourself or trying to change the other person to suit.  And that’s never a good thing for anyone.

So, go into all your relationships openly and honestly to get the greatest success!

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!

― Mae West

It’s commonly called “indulgence” and is most often looked at as a negative kind of thing.  People who indulge themselves are viewed as lazy, greedy, and selfish.  In striving to maintain our self-image as good and decent folk, we deny ourselves things we truly desire, both big and small.  The more we refuse to acknowledge these things, greater importance gets attached to them and we have to work all the harder to not indulge.  Talk about stressful!  That’s right – the stress of NOT doing something can be more harmful than doing it (in moderation of course).

Now, suppose for a moment that instead you denied those little voices telling you that to indulge in something is bad, and gave yourself permission to enjoy.  Oooo – there now, doesn’t that feel good?  Not only do you have that little reward, but you have a few other things going for you.  Firstly, people who take time to do something for themselves are shown to have an increased sense of self-worth and accomplishment, because you know have the ability to reap the reward of your work.  Secondly, when you admit to a weakness or desire and let go of judgment over it, you find that thing has much less hold on you going forward.  Finally, by being honest with yourself, you are building a true and realistic image of yourself rather than a false one based on ideals.

Keep in mind however, that any indulgence should be safely within the bounds of your lifestyle and kept under moderation.  Making a conscious choice to enjoy life’s little pleasures should never pose a serious danger to health and well being.

That being said, the next time that voice says “You shouldn’t do that,” feel free to answer, “Oh yes I should!  It’s good for me!”

Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart. — Henry Clay

I read a news story lately about a man who, although late for an appointment, stopped to help a stranger on the side of the highway change a tire.  Nice, right?  Just hold on… The tire being secure, the man gets in his car and drives off, but a couple miles up the road suffers a heart attack!  Meanwhile, the man he had just helped with the tire came along, called for help and performed CPR until medics arrived – saved his life.  If the first man had not stopped to help with that tire, the second would not have been able to get there in time to rescue him.

The message here is not original, but is a very simple and profound truth.  Soon or later, you get what you give, often multifold.  And not just the normal things you do for people in your everyday life.  It’s the special times, the times when you see an opportunity to do something meaningful for another even though it is not convenient or enjoyable for you.

As Thanksgiving approaches (for the U.S. anyway), take a minute to think about the news story I mentioned, and by turns put yourself into the position of each man.  Imagine how grateful the guy felt who needed help changing his tire that someone had enough empathy to pull over on a highway and provide assistance.  Imagine the depth of gratitude the man having the heart attack felt to have someone there who knew what to do to pull him through.  Imagine what the outcome would have been had neither of those two events happened?

What are you truly grateful for?  Who made what happen in order for that to be possible?  You never know how deeply what may seem like a simple act on your part impacts another person.  So look for those opportunities, enrich someone else’s life… as well as your own.

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.  — Arthur Miller

Everyone suffers some kind of betrayal in their lifetime, it is one more thing that unites us.  When we have to admit to ourselves what has happened, we desperately search for a way to prevent the inevitable disruption in our lives.  You want the answer to one question… Why?  But you are not likely to get the truth of this from your personal Brutus!  So, you make justifications in order to rationalize what’s happening.  In extreme cases you may even end up betraying yourself, your own instinct or intellect, in order to comfort yourself with more falsehoods.

The real danger here is not in what happened between you and that person.  It lays in the future – your future.  Whether in a minor way (say a past client goes to a different agent), or in a major way (say your Mother goes to a different agent – ouch!) in the back of your mind you will hold this bitterness and it will cloud your interactions with potential future clients with self-doubt or mistrust.

Instead, recognize that betrayal is, as with all things, a conscious choice an individual makes.  As personal as it feels, it has nothing to do with you and all to do with that person.  Release the disappointment, assign the responsibility where it belongs – squarely on them!  Do not allow bitterness to get settled in your heart and destroy your trust in others, don’t let that grace be taken away from you.  Then you will hold your own truth in your hands ever after.

The best way out is always through. — Robert Frost

One of the most basic laws of physics is that a body in motion tends to stay in motion while a body at rest stays at rest. So let’s say you have had a brain disconnect, that’s like you have come to rest. And that’s OK! As long as you don’t stay there. In order to get through it and become productive again, you need to move.

It doesn’t need to be a huge, monumental effort. One small step, one little thing, just do something to get into motion. Once that happens, you will find it gets easier to take another step, make another larger more meaningful move. Soon you will find you are back up and running full speed!