As social beings one of the most important things to us is to be “seen” – that is noticed, cared about and feel relevant to others.  Likewise there are few things worse than becoming “invisible” to those we most want to be seen by whether they be family, friends, prospects, clients or lovers. How ironic that there is a common habit of which we are all guilty that literally guarantees people will not see us fully (or us them).  Here’s what it is and what you can do about it.

The Most Alienating Word In the English Language

It’s amazing how the innocent, tiny word “I” can cause so much trouble –especially since it is so endearing to those who use it liberally.  Don’t let its size fool you because it packs a huge punch.  The moment you use the word “I” (or one of its cousins “me”, “mine” etc.) whether verbally or in print, you have made yourself just a bit harder to see and those who you are communicating with, harder to be seen.  The more you use it, the worse the effect.

The reason this happens is that it is hard-wired into our human nature to want to be seen by others.  The moment someone uses “I” when communicating with you, they have preempted your chance at being seen by insisting that you see them first.  Which of course has the exact opposite effect because now (feeling somewhat dissed) you concentrate even more about being seen by them rather than really listening to what they are saying.  This can devolve rather quickly to the point where even two friends at dinner end up just txting others because of the illusion of “connection” that txting can give oneself.  You’ve probably seen it happen.

Have you ever been with a friend, colleague or family member who rudely txts while supposedly spending quality time with you?  And if so, how does that make you feel?  In that context, txting is a sign of severe “I” disease.  You apparently are not “seeing” them enough so they disconnect from you and delude themselves into thinking that whomever they are txting is somehow seeing them more.  Meanwhile you are making a mental note to never invite them again.

As bad as that is, it can be worse, much worse.  For example, a friend who is so self-absorbed that practically every other word out of her mouth is “I” (with lots of “me”, “my” and “mine”s thrown in for good measure).  To the point that you are not really there except simply as a mirror through which they can admire themselves that much more.  This is a form of narcissism that typically precludes these types of individuals from having any real meaningful long-term relationships and often has them wondering cluelessly as to why that is.

So, how do you cure “I” blindness?  It’s really so simple, that it has been right in front of your nose all the time…

Say Bye, Bye, Bye to All Those I, I, I’s

You want to connect powerfully (and be seen clearly) by your family, friends, prospects and clients?  It’s easy, eliminate the word “I” from your vocabulary and substitute ”you”, “your”, “yours”.  Do that consciously and watch the magic happen.  For example, before you hit “SEND” on your next email, take a moment to count how many “I’s” it contains –you will probably will be blown away by the number.  Now, rewrite the email to eliminate every one of them –that’s right, every single one with the focus shifted to the recipient.  This takes practice at first, however after a few times it will become second nature and you will never send an I-filled email again.

Doing this verbally with another person can be challenging.  So here’s a way to make it fun for both of you.  Next time you have a meal with a friend (always best to practice with them first :0), agree to the rule that the first person to say five or more “I’s” during the meal picks up the tab.  In the highly unlikely event that neither of you used “I” five or more times, you split the tab.  The beauty of this approach (once you gotten over the “gotcha” attempts playful friends try at first) is that it forces you to consciously ”see” the other person first.  And when one person feels seen, they will usually reciprocate.  The only exception to this is if the other person happens to be a narcissist –in that case your efforts of seeing them just feeds their bottomless hunger to be the center of attention (at least it’s a great way to get a lot of free meals :0)

The bottom line is this:  If you want to be truly seen by others, strive to see them first.  And the way to do this is to have the courage to lose your “I’s”.

Funny Anecdote:

Imagine living with a college roommate for almost a year who has only known you to have a full head of very blond straight hair AND a very jet-black curly beard (quite a striking combination :0).  Then one day, after months of living together, you completely shave off your beard.  When the roommate comes home that evening you ask if he notices anything different about you.  He looks and looks and can’t for the life of him see any change.  Then you tell him and he about falls on the floor.  Talk about not being seen – this actually happened.  And as a postscript, this “blind” roommate ended up going into real estate sales :0)