Posts Tagged ‘emotions’
Are You Living to Work or Working to Live?
Saturday, February 25th, 2012
Anyone who is in business for themselves at some point addresses the question “Why am I doing what I’m doing?” How you answer that question will make a huge difference in your sense of fulfillment and quality of life –and for those you love.
Work, Work, Work ad nausem…
Our Western society tends to put work and high-productivity on a pedestal. It looks favorably upon, and often financially rewards, those who dedicate their lives to producing ever greater quantities of products or services. High performance business people are the new rock stars of our generation. This is all well and good –to a point. Beyond that it is easy for one to lose site of why we are putting in those 80 hours per week. Why we don’t have time to spend with the kids as much as we (or more importantly, they) would like. Or why it is not fun or fulfilling anymore no matter how much money we make.
When we lose site of the fact that we are a human “being”, by becoming a human “doing”, something will eventually break. Your marriage, your business or maybe even your nervous system (i.e. burnout). Becoming a “Human Doing” is a lot easier than you might imagine. It starts out by using all kinds of reasonable excuses and rationalizations to work more and harder. ”We need the money to put the kids through college.” ”We need a larger house.” ”If I don’t work my ass off my competition will eat my lunch.” and so on. These rationalizations are based upon a fear of either not having or being enough.
Keep going that way and pretty soon you become uncomfortable when you are NOT working! BTW, Sunday is probably your toughest day of the week because you are least likely to work that day and being away from work makes you anxious. At this point your very sense of self and self-worth, of who you are, is dependent upon your work. This is when you are officially a member of the “live to work” crowd. Work has become your drug of choice to distract you from being in the moment (i.e. living as a human “being”). And the cruel irony is those who succumb to this are almost never as productive as those who have figured out that their business exists to serve them, not the other way around.
Beyond Balance
How many times have we heard from business gurus that “We must maintain balance between our work and personal lives.” While true, simply saying this masks the fact that lack of balance in one’s life is a symptom rather than the cause of the dis-ease. The cure starts with the realization that no matter what your position, talents or accomplishments in life, you have and already are “enough”. Anything beyond that is icing on the cake, nice to have but not necessary.
When you choose to think this way (and it is a choice) you will find yourself living as a human being again and viewing your work as a tool that exists only to serve your life (and those your work affects) and nothing more. This is when you will find a space open up for you (and those around you) for “life balance” which is a natural result of this new perspective of work/business. You know what else will happen? You will start thinking of ways that your business can work harder for you. And when that happens you have a truly successful business –and life.
Don’t Talk About It, Just Do It
Saturday, February 18th, 2012
Do you know anyone who talks about what they are going to do and then never seem to get around to doing it? Most of us have done this one time or another. When it becomes your standard operating procedure however, it is cause for major concern. Here’s why and how to avoid this success-killing behavior.
A friend of mine is one of the most charming, charismatic and high-energy people I know. The other night she came over for a visit to share the incredible excitement she had about her new class on how to be a successful entrepreneur. She literally gushed about how she was going to do this and that to make sure she was the best in the class and be a huge success story for the organization that was providing this training. She shared how she brought the other class members and even the instructors to tears with her fire, passion and commitment to make it happen. This was just the first of 16 classes and she already was their inspiration!
This young woman has the talent and drive to make it happen so I believed her when she said that starting the next morning she’ll be up at 7:00am and focus intently on making this entrepreneurial dream come true. Well, the very next morning she calls me at 10:00am saying she just got up because (fill in the blank for any number of reasons). My immediate thought was that she’s already failed before she even got started. How could this have happened? How can anyone go from incredible fire, passion and determination to not even getting out of the starting gate? Well, the irony here is that she had quite literally foretold that this would happen.
It has been my experience that the more effusive someone is about what they are going to do, the more insecure they are about actually doing it. In fact, the whole process of enrolling others in their excitement (like my friend above) is actually an unconscious attempt to get others to validate their intentions. The more you can get others excited about what you are going to do, the more likely it may happen because others are now excited about it as well. This is bootstrap thinking at its worst.
Real determination will not allow one second to be spent on talking about what you are going to do –it is too focused on making it happen. This suggests a real easy self-test to gauge just how really committed you are to anything. The more inclined you are to telling others about what you are going to do, the less committed you are to making it happen —period. And, if you catch yourself excitedly wanting to tell others about some future accomplishment take that as a sign to spend more time honestly evaluating the “why” behind that intention. Chances are it has nothing to do with a particular goal other than to feel good about oneself. The unfortunate thing is that the more one behaves in this way (i.e. saying before doing) the more hits they take to their self-confidence and self-esteem.
There is way too much “future talk” in our society (being an election year certainly doesn’t help). Don’t be part of that conversation, instead put your energies into making it happen. You will be a lot happier and so will those around you.
Showing Up For Success
Sunday, February 12th, 2012
One hears a lot of complaints spoken by many sales people in this industry –and they are usually about people (clients, prospects and other agents) they work with. The old adage is if you don’t like something either do something about it if you can or accept it if you can’t -in either case complaining never helps. In the case of not liking how other people show up for you there is something you can do about it and it is surprisingly simple.
Monkey See, Monkey Do
Human Beings tend to be very reflective creatures. When walking down a city street and we see someone looking up intently, we simply cannot help ourselves from doing the exact same thing. The next time you are part of group sharing a meal observe intently and you will likely catch the others reaching for their drinks at the same time. Likewise in sales we are taught to “mirror” our prospects to put them at ease and feel more trusting. This approach breaks down however if your client or prospect is rude, unreasonable, offensive etc. Mirror those behaviors and you will likely lose more than just the sale!
While you can’t control the (negative) behavior of others, you certainly do have more influence on it that you may realize thanks to our innate tendency to reflect what we see or experience in others. The way to do this is to simply show up in the way you wish others to show up for you. Watch what happens in your relationship with other people when you consistently do this in a way where you are not attached to the results. Unnattachement is important here because otherwise you would have an agenda that would show up clearly to the other person –behavior you definitely don’t want to see from them.
“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
~Mahatma Gandhi
Sometimes in close personal relationships (such as with a spouse) showing up in the way you want your significant other to show up for you is not enough –usually because of some emotional baggage that is tied to your relationship. If their behavior is not appropriate and they don’t respond to the way you show up for them, then you need to take one additional step. You let them know clearly and without emotion that until they start showing up for you the way they want you to show up for them you will not show up at all –period (meaning, not engage with them).
This is a powerful way to get others to recognize and take ownership of their own inappropriate behavior and in that awareness, be in a space to do something about it. By the way, imagine how powerful and confident you appear to an abusive prospect or client when you take this approach.
If you want to make a difference you first have to show up, period –something that not everyone is willing to do. Then, show up in the way you want others to show up for you and sooner or later you will see the change in the world you are being.
Mid-Life Crisis vs. Mid-Life Transformation
Saturday, February 4th, 2012
If you are anywhere between 40 and 60 years old chances are you have experienced something generally referred to (and depicted in uncountable comedies) as a “mid-life crisis”. Most think of this in terms of a mortality-awareness panic attack. For some it certainly is that and no more. There are others however that use that awareness as a jumping off point for a major reset in their life. We all come to terms with our own mortality and failures to achieve what we thought we would by a certain age. What we do about it can literally affect how you live the rest of your life.
Never Waste a Good Crisis
A mid-life crisis, as the name suggests, is a fear-based reaction to the sudden acute awareness of one’s limited life span and failures to achieve goals and dreams. And any time you react based upon fear, the result is usually not good. A person going through a mid-life crisis will typically try to assuage their fears (or dull their awareness of them) by looking to external things. A new lover / spouse, hot new car, etc. with great mis-guided concern about what others think of them. Unfortunately this approach never works because it is the opposite of acceptance of what is. And until one reaches that acceptance they will never find true peace. Quite often, once the manic phase of a mid-life crisis burns out, the person reverts to “settling” for their current life situation. Not a very inspired way to live the rest of one’s life. By the way, “settling” and “acceptance” are worlds apart.
A mid-life transformation starts out the same way –a sudden realization that a) life is short (and getting shorter by the day), and b) you are not happy with your current state of affairs. Those who use this new-found awareness as a jumping off point for true transformation react quite differently from those is “crisis” mode. There is no panic or fear-based reaction. The first thing that happens is true acceptance of what is, then a deep inquiry as to what can be.
A mid-life transformation is an inside job, internally focused. There is little concern about what others think –a good thing because many people going through true transformation tend to lose many of their “friends” who are threatened by the “new you”. A mid-life transformation is about assessing (and being grateful for) all the skills and experience you have acquired so far and re-purposing them to design and live the life you want. A mid-life transformation is not about acquiring anything, it is about releasing what was always inside of you that was afraid to come out all those previous years.
There is something far worse than a mid-life crisis however. And that is being so dead inside that you never have one. Millions of otherwise hardworking, decent law-abiding people exist with barely a flicker of life. They go through the motions, smile when appropriate, tip the waiter, say hi to the mailman and hang out with friends whose lives are as dead as theirs. These are people who are so afraid of who they really are and the possibility of their own greatness that they bury any glimpse of that awareness. They’re born, they live, they die and all they have to show for it is a little 2″ dash between dates on their tombstone. These are people who live complaining about what is and die with nothing but regrets.
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
~~Henry David Thoreau
So if you had (or are about to have) a mid-life crisis –celebrate! It means you are still alive and a bit more aware. Now the trick is to turn that awareness into an opportunity to transform your life from the inside out. Take full responsibility and go for everything you are worth until your last breath. Do that and I guarantee you will live life fully and have no regrets at the end of this journey.
Lose Your I’s to See and Be Seen
Saturday, January 28th, 2012
As social beings one of the most important things to us is to be “seen” – that is noticed, cared about and feel relevant to others. Likewise there are few things worse than becoming “invisible” to those we most want to be seen by whether they be family, friends, prospects, clients or lovers. How ironic that there is a common habit of which we are all guilty that literally guarantees people will not see us fully (or us them). Here’s what it is and what you can do about it.
The Most Alienating Word In the English Language
It’s amazing how the innocent, tiny word “I” can cause so much trouble –especially since it is so endearing to those who use it liberally. Don’t let its size fool you because it packs a huge punch. The moment you use the word “I” (or one of its cousins “me”, “mine” etc.) whether verbally or in print, you have made yourself just a bit harder to see and those who you are communicating with, harder to be seen. The more you use it, the worse the effect.
The reason this happens is that it is hard-wired into our human nature to want to be seen by others. The moment someone uses “I” when communicating with you, they have preempted your chance at being seen by insisting that you see them first. Which of course has the exact opposite effect because now (feeling somewhat dissed) you concentrate even more about being seen by them rather than really listening to what they are saying. This can devolve rather quickly to the point where even two friends at dinner end up just txting others because of the illusion of “connection” that txting can give oneself. You’ve probably seen it happen.
Have you ever been with a friend, colleague or family member who rudely txts while supposedly spending quality time with you? And if so, how does that make you feel? In that context, txting is a sign of severe “I” disease. You apparently are not “seeing” them enough so they disconnect from you and delude themselves into thinking that whomever they are txting is somehow seeing them more. Meanwhile you are making a mental note to never invite them again.
As bad as that is, it can be worse, much worse. For example, a friend who is so self-absorbed that practically every other word out of her mouth is “I” (with lots of “me”, “my” and “mine”s thrown in for good measure). To the point that you are not really there except simply as a mirror through which they can admire themselves that much more. This is a form of narcissism that typically precludes these types of individuals from having any real meaningful long-term relationships and often has them wondering cluelessly as to why that is.
So, how do you cure “I” blindness? It’s really so simple, that it has been right in front of your nose all the time…
Say Bye, Bye, Bye to All Those I, I, I’s
You want to connect powerfully (and be seen clearly) by your family, friends, prospects and clients? It’s easy, eliminate the word “I” from your vocabulary and substitute ”you”, “your”, “yours”. Do that consciously and watch the magic happen. For example, before you hit “SEND” on your next email, take a moment to count how many “I’s” it contains –you will probably will be blown away by the number. Now, rewrite the email to eliminate every one of them –that’s right, every single one with the focus shifted to the recipient. This takes practice at first, however after a few times it will become second nature and you will never send an I-filled email again.
Doing this verbally with another person can be challenging. So here’s a way to make it fun for both of you. Next time you have a meal with a friend (always best to practice with them first :0), agree to the rule that the first person to say five or more “I’s” during the meal picks up the tab. In the highly unlikely event that neither of you used “I” five or more times, you split the tab. The beauty of this approach (once you gotten over the “gotcha” attempts playful friends try at first) is that it forces you to consciously ”see” the other person first. And when one person feels seen, they will usually reciprocate. The only exception to this is if the other person happens to be a narcissist –in that case your efforts of seeing them just feeds their bottomless hunger to be the center of attention (at least it’s a great way to get a lot of free meals :0)
The bottom line is this: If you want to be truly seen by others, strive to see them first. And the way to do this is to have the courage to lose your “I’s”.
Funny Anecdote:
Imagine living with a college roommate for almost a year who has only known you to have a full head of very blond straight hair AND a very jet-black curly beard (quite a striking combination :0). Then one day, after months of living together, you completely shave off your beard. When the roommate comes home that evening you ask if he notices anything different about you. He looks and looks and can’t for the life of him see any change. Then you tell him and he about falls on the floor. Talk about not being seen – this actually happened. And as a postscript, this “blind” roommate ended up going into real estate sales :0)
How to “Make” Things Happen Effortlessly
Saturday, January 21st, 2012
Anyone in business for any length of time is used to “making” things happen. Trouble is we typically struggle, sometime mightily, in our efforts to do so. There is a way to allow things to happen with little or no effort or struggle. And here is why it is so much better than brute force.
“Making” things happen is a very western way of thinking that resides firmly in the ego. In essence, when you try to make things happen, this is what you are really saying about how it will get done:
- In my way
- Within my time schedule
- Using my resources
- Under my control
“Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead –ram anybody or anything that gets in our way!” Are you beginning to see the problem here? Especially when others are all taking the same approach. Everyone struggles and he/she who struggles most/best wins –that is if you call being exhausted, uptight and frustrated most of the time “winning”.
There is another way that is so powerful you may be tempted to think that it is just too simple to ever work. It’s called “creating a space” for things to happen. Instead of fighting for every inch, go with the natural flow of things. Open up the space of possibility for what you want to happen. Now for you to successfully employ this method and enjoy all of its benefits (relaxed effortlessness, serendipity, greater outcomes than what you intended, etc.) there is a few things you need to let go of.
First is the illusion that you have control over anything other than your own choices. Anything else is just part of the mystery and wonder of life. Secondly (and this is REALLY important) let go of any attachments to the outcomes. This means being dispassionate about whether or not you achieve your objectives no matter how badly you want them. When you marry strong intention (i.e. what you want) with letting go of the need for control and not being attached to outcomes you have by definition created a space for your intentions to happen. This is a powerful space in which miracles occur effortlessly and often bigger and better than you intended. They may not happen in the way you intended, on your time schedule, or through your resources, yet they will happen never-the-less.
This doesn’t mean sitting back waiting for things to happen –not at all. It means taking the steps with full commitment you deem necessary for fruition, yet being open to any possibility that may result from your efforts. By the way, this approach is even more powerful in relationships. When’s the last time you tried to “make” a relationship happen? (and how did that work for you?) In this context making a space for a desired relationship means showing up fully for the other person yet not being attached to whether or not they respond in the way you wish.
There is a corollary to this principle that basically states that the more you try to make things happen, the less space you create to allow them to occur with little or no effort and the more fear is pushing you away from what really works. There is no valor in struggle when there is an easier, more natural way.
The next time you feel tempted to swim upstream just ask yourself how tired do you really want to be when you finally get to where you want to go –only to be taken down stream once again anyway. Fight life or flow with it –it’s your choice.
One Question That Will Transform Your Life and Business
Saturday, January 7th, 2012
I recently learned something powerful from my good friend and fellow coach Bob Corcoran. He always asks his coaching students (and himself) a simple yet profound question, that when answered truthfully, almost always transforms their business and life.
“What are your mooring lines?” In other words, what is holding you back from being the very best you can be. The reason this question is so powerful is that it puts the responsibility of our life and business success squarely on our shoulders and no longer allows us to blame others.
As you know, mooring lines are the things that prevent hot-air balloons from rising, planes from taking off and ships sailing away. In just the same way, they are the things that prevent us from soaring, from truly living life fully, from achieving our highest business success. Mooring lines are unique to each person. No two people have the exact same ones.
There are many different types of mooring lines. See if any of these ring true for you:
- Limiting Beliefs – seeing your world as “small” so you feel safe in being small. Not accepting possibilities that are right in front of your nose for all kinds of “because” your mind will throw your way. You were designed to live and work large and this mooring line will prevent you from doing that.
- People and Relationships – chances are you have existing relationships that are absolutely holding you back. These creatures can take the form of “energy vampires” (where you feel exhausted just being around them), “complainers and nay-sayers” (who quickly throw a wet blanket on any attempt to change for the better) and “green monsters” (who outwardly applaud your successes yet inwardly seethe with envy). These mooring lines can be hard to cut because our society puts such a high value on relationships (as it should). Yet here’s the thing, when you cut these lines it frees you up to find new relationships that support rather than constrain.
- Negative Emotions – anger, frustration, etc. (to name a few) can all be powerful mooring lines because they take up so much of our energy and time. The way to cut these lines is learning to become “unattached” to outcomes. The fine skill of being totally committed to something yet unattached as to whether you achieve it or not is one of the most powerful you can have for both business and life.
- Lack of Gratitude – seeing the glass as half-empty vs. half-full holds you back from seeing unbelievable possibilities. Now imagine how different your life and business would be if you saw everything that happens to you, no matter how devastating, as a blessing in disguise.
- Being Shut Down – sometimes the pain of life is so unbearable we shut our heart down to avoid feeling it anymore. The problem is that you don’t feel anything else anymore as well. The way to cut this mooring line is to imagine your heart being open, even in painful or threatening situations (which admittedly takes lots of practice). And once you let this line go, you are free to accept the most powerful gift life can offer us, love.
You may be wondering why “Fear” was not part of that list. Actually, the very strands of every mooring line are woven with the fiber of fear. Behind each one is fear when you really get down to it. It just shows up in different forms.
Now here’s the best news. No one but you is holding on to your mooring lines. You have the free will, the choice, to let each and every one of them go. Will it be easy? Most likely not. Will it be worth it? You already know the answer.
Getting Back Into Work Mode After the Holidays
Friday, December 30th, 2011As you toss the last empty carton of eggnog into the recycling, you think of all the memories you created over the past couple of days. Opening presents with the kids, reuniting with family and friends, a kitchen full of wonderful food. Then, a new thought comes to mind. It’s something you haven’t thought of since mid last week. Tomorrow it’s time to return to work.
As a real estate agent, you love what you do and are eager to return to your work. But even with all that positivity, returning to work after a long weekend (and no to mention gorging on mass amounts of food) and getting back to the grind might be the last thing you want to do. Returning to work means the holiday that we looked forward to for so long is now over. The freedom of little structure and having no set routine or concept of time has come to an end.
Of course after a few days those feelings of dismay and longing for another day off will fizzle out, and the normal routine of the everyday work environment will settle in. But what can we do to make the transition easier? Real estate virtual assistants want to make sure you are on top of your game no matter what. While everyone enjoys a little time off, it’s even better when we can make a swift recovery upon returning to what we love…work!
Here’s how you can accomplish it:
1. Time it Right: If you travel during the holidays, make it a point to return home a day or two before starting work. This will give you some down time to prepare yourself for what’s ahead. If you have been sleeping in for a few days, this extra time will help you get back into the routine of waking up early. Arriving home the night before at 11:00pm will not help your cause of being fresh and rearing to go at 7:30am the next morning.
2. Stay in Touch: Keep in touch with your colleagues over the holidays. While some people prefer to completely disconnect during their time off, others like to keep involved. It’s actually beneficial to stay in touch with work m
atters during time off, to prevent being bombarded with an unexpected workload upon your return. Luckily, our smart phones and other modern technology allow us to keep abreast of work progress while we are away.
3. Use Your Brain: When we have some time off, we tend to neglect some of daily activities that are non-work related as well. During the next holiday, keep your brain working while you’re off by keeping up with the news, completing puzzles and reading books. This way, your brain won’t be totally confused when you have to start using it again.
4. Plan a Weekend Getaway: Plan a weekend getaway somewhere in the near future immediately after returning to work. Whether or not you actually go is immaterial, but the concept of getting away will keep you in good spirits. If taking another weekend off is out of the question, plan daily, weekly or even monthly activities that will give you something to look forward to. This might be a fitness class, taking your dog to the park, or a scheduled lunch rendezvous with a friend. In the end, it’s these little things that keep us going.
5. Talk with Workmates: When you return to the office, swap holiday stories with your coworkers. This will keep the atmosphere light end friendly while you’re getting back into the nitty-gritty of things. Not only will this lighten the mood, but it will keep the spirit of the holidays alive just a little bit longer!
6. Friendly Reminders: If you’re tempted to crawl back under the covers when your alarm goes off, remind yourself of why your job is awesome. Your job is important to you, you’re good at it, and it holds value and purpose. You’re lucky to have a career that brings you security, fulfillment and happiness!
Hopefully these tips will help all of us ease back into the working life. If not this year, there’s always 2012!
Have an awesome day!
Contact Carrie
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Healthy Benefits of Indulging
Monday, November 28th, 2011
Are you like me? Feel like you ate the entire Thanksgiving table by yourself? With groaning belly, your little internal voice scolds, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Then the guilt kicks in, you beat yourself up and promise to never do it again. But it’s OK – really! See, it’s actually good for you! Here’s why…
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!
― Mae West
It’s commonly called “indulgence” and is most often looked at as a negative kind of thing. People who indulge themselves are viewed as lazy, greedy, and selfish. In striving to maintain our self-image as good and decent folk, we deny ourselves things we truly desire, both big and small. The more we refuse to acknowledge these things, greater importance gets attached to them and we have to work all the harder to not indulge. Talk about stressful! That’s right – the stress of NOT doing something can be more harmful than doing it (in moderation of course).
Now, suppose for a moment that instead you denied those little voices telling you that to indulge in something is bad, and gave yourself permission to enjoy. Oooo – there now, doesn’t that feel good? Not only do you have that little reward, but you have a few other things going for you. Firstly, people who take time to do something for themselves are shown to have an increased sense of self-worth and accomplishment, because you know have the ability to reap the reward of your work. Secondly, when you admit to a weakness or desire and let go of judgment over it, you find that thing has much less hold on you going forward. Finally, by being honest with yourself, you are building a true and realistic image of yourself rather than a false one based on ideals.
Keep in mind however, that any indulgence should be safely within the bounds of your lifestyle and kept under moderation. Making a conscious choice to enjoy life’s little pleasures should never pose a serious danger to health and well being.
That being said, the next time that voice says “You shouldn’t do that,” feel free to answer, “Oh yes I should! It’s good for me!”
The Truth Behind Untruth
Monday, November 14th, 2011
Ever have the rug yanked out from underneath you by someone you thought you knew and trusted? There is nothing like that kind of betrayal to put your world in a tumult. The blitz of emotions – shock, anger, confusion, disbelief, sorrow – churn over and over. The extent to which this happens depends on how close you felt to the person who stabbed you, but we all feel this to some degree in these kinds of situations. But the way you find your way through remains the same whether the betrayal came from a dear family member or a distant business associate.
Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. — Arthur Miller
Everyone suffers some kind of betrayal in their lifetime, it is one more thing that unites us. When we have to admit to ourselves what has happened, we desperately search for a way to prevent the inevitable disruption in our lives. You want the answer to one question… Why? But you are not likely to get the truth of this from your personal Brutus! So, you make justifications in order to rationalize what’s happening. In extreme cases you may even end up betraying yourself, your own instinct or intellect, in order to comfort yourself with more falsehoods.
The real danger here is not in what happened between you and that person. It lays in the future – your future. Whether in a minor way (say a past client goes to a different agent), or in a major way (say your Mother goes to a different agent – ouch!) in the back of your mind you will hold this bitterness and it will cloud your interactions with potential future clients with self-doubt or mistrust.
Instead, recognize that betrayal is, as with all things, a conscious choice an individual makes. As personal as it feels, it has nothing to do with you and all to do with that person. Release the disappointment, assign the responsibility where it belongs – squarely on them! Do not allow bitterness to get settled in your heart and destroy your trust in others, don’t let that grace be taken away from you. Then you will hold your own truth in your hands ever after.
