Posts Tagged ‘fear’
Mid-Life Crisis vs. Mid-Life Transformation
Saturday, February 4th, 2012
If you are anywhere between 40 and 60 years old chances are you have experienced something generally referred to (and depicted in uncountable comedies) as a “mid-life crisis”. Most think of this in terms of a mortality-awareness panic attack. For some it certainly is that and no more. There are others however that use that awareness as a jumping off point for a major reset in their life. We all come to terms with our own mortality and failures to achieve what we thought we would by a certain age. What we do about it can literally affect how you live the rest of your life.
Never Waste a Good Crisis
A mid-life crisis, as the name suggests, is a fear-based reaction to the sudden acute awareness of one’s limited life span and failures to achieve goals and dreams. And any time you react based upon fear, the result is usually not good. A person going through a mid-life crisis will typically try to assuage their fears (or dull their awareness of them) by looking to external things. A new lover / spouse, hot new car, etc. with great mis-guided concern about what others think of them. Unfortunately this approach never works because it is the opposite of acceptance of what is. And until one reaches that acceptance they will never find true peace. Quite often, once the manic phase of a mid-life crisis burns out, the person reverts to “settling” for their current life situation. Not a very inspired way to live the rest of one’s life. By the way, “settling” and “acceptance” are worlds apart.
A mid-life transformation starts out the same way –a sudden realization that a) life is short (and getting shorter by the day), and b) you are not happy with your current state of affairs. Those who use this new-found awareness as a jumping off point for true transformation react quite differently from those is “crisis” mode. There is no panic or fear-based reaction. The first thing that happens is true acceptance of what is, then a deep inquiry as to what can be.
A mid-life transformation is an inside job, internally focused. There is little concern about what others think –a good thing because many people going through true transformation tend to lose many of their “friends” who are threatened by the “new you”. A mid-life transformation is about assessing (and being grateful for) all the skills and experience you have acquired so far and re-purposing them to design and live the life you want. A mid-life transformation is not about acquiring anything, it is about releasing what was always inside of you that was afraid to come out all those previous years.
There is something far worse than a mid-life crisis however. And that is being so dead inside that you never have one. Millions of otherwise hardworking, decent law-abiding people exist with barely a flicker of life. They go through the motions, smile when appropriate, tip the waiter, say hi to the mailman and hang out with friends whose lives are as dead as theirs. These are people who are so afraid of who they really are and the possibility of their own greatness that they bury any glimpse of that awareness. They’re born, they live, they die and all they have to show for it is a little 2″ dash between dates on their tombstone. These are people who live complaining about what is and die with nothing but regrets.
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
~~Henry David Thoreau
So if you had (or are about to have) a mid-life crisis –celebrate! It means you are still alive and a bit more aware. Now the trick is to turn that awareness into an opportunity to transform your life from the inside out. Take full responsibility and go for everything you are worth until your last breath. Do that and I guarantee you will live life fully and have no regrets at the end of this journey.
Lose Your I’s to See and Be Seen
Saturday, January 28th, 2012
As social beings one of the most important things to us is to be “seen” – that is noticed, cared about and feel relevant to others. Likewise there are few things worse than becoming “invisible” to those we most want to be seen by whether they be family, friends, prospects, clients or lovers. How ironic that there is a common habit of which we are all guilty that literally guarantees people will not see us fully (or us them). Here’s what it is and what you can do about it.
The Most Alienating Word In the English Language
It’s amazing how the innocent, tiny word “I” can cause so much trouble –especially since it is so endearing to those who use it liberally. Don’t let its size fool you because it packs a huge punch. The moment you use the word “I” (or one of its cousins “me”, “mine” etc.) whether verbally or in print, you have made yourself just a bit harder to see and those who you are communicating with, harder to be seen. The more you use it, the worse the effect.
The reason this happens is that it is hard-wired into our human nature to want to be seen by others. The moment someone uses “I” when communicating with you, they have preempted your chance at being seen by insisting that you see them first. Which of course has the exact opposite effect because now (feeling somewhat dissed) you concentrate even more about being seen by them rather than really listening to what they are saying. This can devolve rather quickly to the point where even two friends at dinner end up just txting others because of the illusion of “connection” that txting can give oneself. You’ve probably seen it happen.
Have you ever been with a friend, colleague or family member who rudely txts while supposedly spending quality time with you? And if so, how does that make you feel? In that context, txting is a sign of severe “I” disease. You apparently are not “seeing” them enough so they disconnect from you and delude themselves into thinking that whomever they are txting is somehow seeing them more. Meanwhile you are making a mental note to never invite them again.
As bad as that is, it can be worse, much worse. For example, a friend who is so self-absorbed that practically every other word out of her mouth is “I” (with lots of “me”, “my” and “mine”s thrown in for good measure). To the point that you are not really there except simply as a mirror through which they can admire themselves that much more. This is a form of narcissism that typically precludes these types of individuals from having any real meaningful long-term relationships and often has them wondering cluelessly as to why that is.
So, how do you cure “I” blindness? It’s really so simple, that it has been right in front of your nose all the time…
Say Bye, Bye, Bye to All Those I, I, I’s
You want to connect powerfully (and be seen clearly) by your family, friends, prospects and clients? It’s easy, eliminate the word “I” from your vocabulary and substitute ”you”, “your”, “yours”. Do that consciously and watch the magic happen. For example, before you hit “SEND” on your next email, take a moment to count how many “I’s” it contains –you will probably will be blown away by the number. Now, rewrite the email to eliminate every one of them –that’s right, every single one with the focus shifted to the recipient. This takes practice at first, however after a few times it will become second nature and you will never send an I-filled email again.
Doing this verbally with another person can be challenging. So here’s a way to make it fun for both of you. Next time you have a meal with a friend (always best to practice with them first :0), agree to the rule that the first person to say five or more “I’s” during the meal picks up the tab. In the highly unlikely event that neither of you used “I” five or more times, you split the tab. The beauty of this approach (once you gotten over the “gotcha” attempts playful friends try at first) is that it forces you to consciously ”see” the other person first. And when one person feels seen, they will usually reciprocate. The only exception to this is if the other person happens to be a narcissist –in that case your efforts of seeing them just feeds their bottomless hunger to be the center of attention (at least it’s a great way to get a lot of free meals :0)
The bottom line is this: If you want to be truly seen by others, strive to see them first. And the way to do this is to have the courage to lose your “I’s”.
Funny Anecdote:
Imagine living with a college roommate for almost a year who has only known you to have a full head of very blond straight hair AND a very jet-black curly beard (quite a striking combination :0). Then one day, after months of living together, you completely shave off your beard. When the roommate comes home that evening you ask if he notices anything different about you. He looks and looks and can’t for the life of him see any change. Then you tell him and he about falls on the floor. Talk about not being seen – this actually happened. And as a postscript, this “blind” roommate ended up going into real estate sales :0)
How to “Make” Things Happen Effortlessly
Saturday, January 21st, 2012
Anyone in business for any length of time is used to “making” things happen. Trouble is we typically struggle, sometime mightily, in our efforts to do so. There is a way to allow things to happen with little or no effort or struggle. And here is why it is so much better than brute force.
“Making” things happen is a very western way of thinking that resides firmly in the ego. In essence, when you try to make things happen, this is what you are really saying about how it will get done:
- In my way
- Within my time schedule
- Using my resources
- Under my control
“Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead –ram anybody or anything that gets in our way!” Are you beginning to see the problem here? Especially when others are all taking the same approach. Everyone struggles and he/she who struggles most/best wins –that is if you call being exhausted, uptight and frustrated most of the time “winning”.
There is another way that is so powerful you may be tempted to think that it is just too simple to ever work. It’s called “creating a space” for things to happen. Instead of fighting for every inch, go with the natural flow of things. Open up the space of possibility for what you want to happen. Now for you to successfully employ this method and enjoy all of its benefits (relaxed effortlessness, serendipity, greater outcomes than what you intended, etc.) there is a few things you need to let go of.
First is the illusion that you have control over anything other than your own choices. Anything else is just part of the mystery and wonder of life. Secondly (and this is REALLY important) let go of any attachments to the outcomes. This means being dispassionate about whether or not you achieve your objectives no matter how badly you want them. When you marry strong intention (i.e. what you want) with letting go of the need for control and not being attached to outcomes you have by definition created a space for your intentions to happen. This is a powerful space in which miracles occur effortlessly and often bigger and better than you intended. They may not happen in the way you intended, on your time schedule, or through your resources, yet they will happen never-the-less.
This doesn’t mean sitting back waiting for things to happen –not at all. It means taking the steps with full commitment you deem necessary for fruition, yet being open to any possibility that may result from your efforts. By the way, this approach is even more powerful in relationships. When’s the last time you tried to “make” a relationship happen? (and how did that work for you?) In this context making a space for a desired relationship means showing up fully for the other person yet not being attached to whether or not they respond in the way you wish.
There is a corollary to this principle that basically states that the more you try to make things happen, the less space you create to allow them to occur with little or no effort and the more fear is pushing you away from what really works. There is no valor in struggle when there is an easier, more natural way.
The next time you feel tempted to swim upstream just ask yourself how tired do you really want to be when you finally get to where you want to go –only to be taken down stream once again anyway. Fight life or flow with it –it’s your choice.
The Quickest Path to Getting What You Want
Saturday, January 14th, 2012
If you are in business, then almost by definition you are goal driven (otherwise you won’t be in business for long). Goals are important as they give us direction and purpose for our energies. Their size and whether we achieve them or not is a fundamental measure of our progress, growth and success. Yet it is how we react when we don’t achieve them that determines just how successful we ultimately become.
Anytime we work on achieving a goal, we are acutely aware that there two possible outcomes: we either achieve it or we don’t. And for most people, the more intensely committed we are to achieving our goal the sweeter the taste of victory when we do, and likewise, the more bitter taste of defeat when we don’t. As a result, the greater the effort and commitment expended, the more we tend to become attached to tasting the sweet and avoiding the bitter. This approach makes achieving big goals a rather tense affair, even to the point to where we don’t bother because we can’t stand the possibility of not achieving them.
Now what if we took an entirely different approach to achieving any goal or objective, no matter how big. Imagine for a moment being totally and completely committed to achieving a big goal where you are giving it everything you got. And, (this is the important part) not being attached to the outcome. In other words, you truly become indifferent to the whether your goal is realized or not. Kind of makes your head hurt doesn’t it.
Being totally committed to every endeavor without being attached to the results of your efforts is one of the most powerful secrets to true and lasting success. Here’s why:
- You have more energy available to achieve your goal – that’s because you don’t waste any of it on worrying about what will happen if you don’t achieve it;
- You have more creative resources to achieve your goal – being unattached puts you in the present moment like nothing else. No longer are you concerned about the future. This empowers you to focus on the “right now” which is where any goal is ultimately achieved. Also, being in the present allows you to access other creative possibilities that you may not have considered if worrying about the future outcome.
- Failure becomes a stepping stone to success – not a gauntlet of self-doubt and incrimination to be avoided at all costs.
- It’s a lot more fun! – when you are in the moment working on something important without worry of the ultimate outcome you will simply enjoy your efforts that much more.
A straight line from point A to point B is rarely the quickest path. We often run into many detours, road blocks and alternative routes that at first seem to take us further away from where we want to go. Yet these are all part of any process to achieve anything worthwhile. How you react to these unexpected twists and turns and whether you choose to treat them like the adventure they are, or barriers to your progress will ultimately determine how fast and often you reach your goals.
Commitment without attachment to outcome is a skill that can be developed. Start practicing with small goals first just to see the relief it give you. Then work up to the big ones –your life will never be the same.
Living and Working Fearlessly
Saturday, September 24th, 2011
Had quite a conversation with my best friend this morning. We were discussing what it meant to have a full / “ideal” life. Her’s was having strong connections with loving family and friends, a stable career, a reasonable lifestyle and contentment with all of that. My definition of an “ideal” life was markedly different. One that, if you consider carefully, could have a major impact on your own business and life.
Ponder this for a moment: Everyone alive on this planet today will likely be dead in 100 years from now (major breakthroughs in life extension notwithstanding). We have just so much time and when it’s over it’s over, fini, caput. So given this context, is what you are currently doing and even more importantly, who you are currently “being” represent your full, ideal life?
It’s a safe bet how 99.99% of people living in the developed world will answer this question. Money, possessions, deep loving relationships, exciting lifestyle, etc. won’t cut it if you are in “prison”. A prison where the seemingly impenetrable bars are made of nothing more than of our fears about living fully, outrageously and from our hearts.
How many of us have “comfortable” relationships, comfortable jobs, comfortable lifestyle, comfortable distractions and so on. The more affluent of a society we live in, the easier it is to be sucked into “comfortable” rather than living fully —which by definition means allowing oneself to fully and intensely feel pain, pleasure, love and overall lust for life. Striving to be comfortable, safe and protected is like soundproofing your soul as the universe is playing Bach’s 5th symphony. You know something great is occurring and you are afraid of what might happen if you let go of all self-imposed protections to experience it.
Imagine what your life (and by extension, your business) would be like if you were “fearless”. Not that you can or even should eliminate all fear, but playing full out in spite of fear. Breaking free of the self-imposed prison bars of fear. Freeing yourself up to infinite possibilities you never could have imagined…
Fate loves the fearless.
~ James Russell Lowell
Our hearts are always whispering to each and every one of us. It is very hard to hear when we bury ourselves in work and distractions. We each have our own true path during this blink of an eye we call life. Your heart is your guide and your head is your servant to help you achieve what the heart knows is best for you. You don’t have much time left, so use it wisely.
Outrageous!
Sunday, September 18th, 2011
Have you ever felt “stuck” in your business or life? If so (and frankly, most currently do on both counts) perhaps it is time to be, well… outrageous.
Outrageous is not about being goofy or tastelessly offensive for the sake of eliciting the biggest reaction from others. On the contrary, being outrageous is all about letting who we really are come out and shine for all the world to see —without concern or attachment to how others (even close others) see you.
It is no accident that some of the most successful people in the world are considered outrageous. My personal hero is Richard Branson of the Virgin group of companies. I can’t imagine anyone having more fun, while making more money, while changing the world for the better than him. Another favorite of mine is Rush Limbaugh. Regardless of your political leanings, you’ve got to admit that this guy (who I believe never finished college) does and says exactly what he wants and as a result attracts the largest radio audience in the U.S. and “Has more fun than a human being should be allowed to have!”
You see that’s the beauty of being your outrageous self. Doing so will attract far more people to you than any other way. Human beings are almost preternaturally attracted to those who have discovered the secret of just allowing the entirety of who they already are shine through —like moths to a bright flame.
For most people, being outrageous is the purest form of who they are, who they “be”. The jaw-dropping reaction we normally equate with “outrageous” is because almost everyone is so constrained in the way they live and interact that when someone does allow their true “outrageousness” to show, it is a shock to those who witness it.
I have Dalinian thought: the one thing the world will never have enough of is the outrageous.
~ Salvador Dali
Being truly outrageous in the manner described here takes tremendous courage and a willingness and faith to let go of all pretenses. Few are currently willing to do this which is the primary reason being outrageous will cause you to stand out incredibly. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. When you are ready to truly be outrageous, the world will unfold like a beautiful flower and you will surely wonder why you waited so long to be who you already are.
How to Surrender to Success
Sunday, August 28th, 2011
Have you ever felt that the more you push forward, the more life and business pushes back? If so, (and most have) then perhaps it’s time to surrender. Now I didn’t say “give up” which is completely different. Here’s why “surrendering” can be your E-ticket to moving forward and achieving what you really want.
If you have enjoyed any measure of success chances are you feel it is due to your grit, drive and determination that got you there, in spite of all set backs. And to a large part that is probably true. Here’s the thing, just because pushing hard worked before, doesn’t mean it’s the appropriate strategy all the time. In fact, there will be times when pushing hard is exactly the wrong thing to do.
Live and business is a lot like surfing. The power of the ocean waves dwarf’s any attempt on our part to control them. Yet if we learn when to take off, how to stand and steer we are in for one hell-of-a thrilling ride. And the best part is, the wave itself does most of the work. Sure, you will fall and occasionally be pummeled, but that’s just part of learning. Surfers don’t master the wave, they master how to ride it’s immense power.
The key here is don’t let your ego trick you into thinking that you can drive forward at any speed any time you want. All this leads to is exhaustion and frustration (and probably a lot of pissed off friends and family).
Life and business is a journey, one where we travel on our own unique path (or wave, if you prefer). Surrender to the subtleties of the one you are on and you will know when to push hard and when to back off. Trust me, you will enjoy it much more and go a lot further using much less energy. For what it’s worth, the ability to “surrender” is the very essence of coachability…
Generate Business NOW —Even As the World Crumbles
Monday, August 22nd, 2011
The news from Wall Street and Main Street (i.e. the housing market) could hardly be less encouraging. And to put a cherry on that sundae, the “experts” are now saying we will likely be entering another recession (like when did we stop having the first one?). This all begs the question: How are you going to generate new business when everything seems to be falling apart?
The first thing to remember is that no matter how bad the economy gets, people will still be buying and selling real estate. I remember being in the business (actively buying investment properties) when interest rates on 30 year loans were around 17% – 18%. The key is to help those who need to sell –right now! This means aggressively courting the FSBO’s and Expireds of the world. The majority of these folks need to sell, no other option available, which means they need YOU.
I made a lot of money during another recession (in the mid 1970′s) specializing in FSBOs. Here are some proven tips to help you turn these market opportunities (FSBO’s and Expired’s) into cash:
- Sell the appointment, not your service - you have to get “belly to belly” with these folks if you want to list their home. Many agents make the mistake of selling their services over the phone. The only thing you want to use the phone for is to get that in-person appointment. So get good, real good at selling the appointment.
- Be their advocate - FSBO’s and Expired’s tend to be stressed out and just a little bit cynical about Realtors. Make it clear that you are there to help them achieve all of their goals, whether or not you get the listing.
- Have an irresistible marketing plan - you better have something that will make them go “Wow!” when it comes to selling their property. Something that most other agents in your area are not likely to offer. For an incredible example of this review the 2/8/11 GUEST EXPERT “How to Win Every Listing and Have Sellers Pay You Upfront!“ Live Group Coaching archive.
There will always be business. And in times like these when it seems everything has been made that much more difficult, you may just be open to doing things that are proven to work, in any market. And that my friend is the gift of troubled times.
How to Pace Yourself For Success
Saturday, August 13th, 2011
Does it ever feel like you are going straight up hill with your business with no end in sight? Everyone runs into these kinds of challenges from time to time. The good news is that there is a proven way to conquer them and turn them into your advantage.
This became abundantly clear to me as I recently hiked to the summit of Mt. Shasta (elevation 14,160′) with a group of eight friends. Here’s what I learned from the most difficult hike I’ve ever been on that also applies to business:
- Pace yourself - when the challenge is very difficult (read: steep), you will quickly burn out if you don’t pace yourself. On the seemingly endless 45° slopes of Mt. Shasta we could maintain a pace of 20 steps, rest; 20 steps, rest; and so on. Anything faster and we would actually fall behind and become more exhausted. For maximum advancement, find your pace, then stick with it.
- It’s better to not look at the whole mountain - for our final assault on the summit, we left at 4:00am using head lamps to see our way up the vast snow field. Seeing only a few feet at a time was a good thing. It would have been too demoralizing to be constantly reminded on how much further we’d have to go with every step.
- You will reach the summit, eventually - there is always a point where you no longer will struggle with the up hill slog. It’s called being at the top, the summit and the view is incredible.
- Once you are at the top you can enjoy the ride back down - there is nothing sweeter than knowing you achieved your hard won goal and can now enjoy the fruits of your efforts. For us it meant having thrills (and some spills) glissading down the mountain (i.e. sliding down our butts in the snow).
- You now have greater confidence - the experience of conquering a difficult challenge gives you the confidence and experience to it again, or even something greater. (BTW, Mt. Kilimanjaro – elev. 19,341′ is on my bucket list)
Human beings were designed to be challenged. It’s the only way we grow, get stronger and get better. So next time you run into a wall with your business, just remember that it’s just a really, really steep hill. And with the right approach you can conquer it and turn it into your advantage.
NOTE: to see some HD videos of our Mt. Shasta adventure taken with my “helmet-cam” just go tohttp://vimeo.com/mrusser/videos/sort:oldest. These include attempts at glissading by me and our team and some breath-taking scenery.
Why Your “Winning Formula” is Holding You Back…
Saturday, July 9th, 2011
What would happen if you gave yourself permission to behave differently? Your friends and associates would almost certainly start wondering “What happened?” and you would probably feel very much out of your comfort zone. So why would you ever consider such a thing? Well, it may be the path to truly setting you free.
If you have enjoyed any level of success in your business (and life for that matter) chances are you are behaving in a way that has worked for you since childhood. This is sometimes referred to as one’s “winning formula”. Adrenaline-driven energy, adroit social skills, seduction etc. are just a few examples (out of potentially hundreds) of behaviors people use to succeed.
The problem with winning formulas however is that they will, in some way, hold you back from your true potential as a human being and business person. That’s because we become comfortable with wearing that “suit” since it has worked and protected us in the past. After a while though, that suit becomes your straight jacket, severely constraining the real you from showing itself.
We are so much more than our behavior, than our actions and reactions. Yet to explore beyond these old familiar ways can be scary. Feelings of disorientation and thoughts of “If I’m not __________ then who am I?” will pop up for sure (fill in the blank as you see fit). And you might even have to deal with the childhood fears that brought on the development of your particular winning formula in the first place.
Unfortunately, most people will not risk this level of freedom until they have grown very weary of their winning behavior (assuming they are even conscious of it in the first place). It usually starts with a nagging feeling that there is something far greater that is possible for you. And, you may have reached the limits of what your “winning formula” can do. If you feel this way you are on the precipice of transformation —a sudden, rapid shift to another larger possibility and experience of the world. I don’t know about you, but standing on the precipice of anything scares the crap out of me.
Now here is where the magic happens. Unlike animals who react by instinct and would back away from anything that scary, we have a choice. We can choose to stay within the comfortable “known” and limit ourselves, or move through our fear of letting go and risk learning to fly as we were all meant to.
As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.
~ Zachary Scott
