Posts Tagged ‘psychology’
Mid-Life Crisis vs. Mid-Life Transformation
Saturday, February 4th, 2012
If you are anywhere between 40 and 60 years old chances are you have experienced something generally referred to (and depicted in uncountable comedies) as a “mid-life crisis”. Most think of this in terms of a mortality-awareness panic attack. For some it certainly is that and no more. There are others however that use that awareness as a jumping off point for a major reset in their life. We all come to terms with our own mortality and failures to achieve what we thought we would by a certain age. What we do about it can literally affect how you live the rest of your life.
Never Waste a Good Crisis
A mid-life crisis, as the name suggests, is a fear-based reaction to the sudden acute awareness of one’s limited life span and failures to achieve goals and dreams. And any time you react based upon fear, the result is usually not good. A person going through a mid-life crisis will typically try to assuage their fears (or dull their awareness of them) by looking to external things. A new lover / spouse, hot new car, etc. with great mis-guided concern about what others think of them. Unfortunately this approach never works because it is the opposite of acceptance of what is. And until one reaches that acceptance they will never find true peace. Quite often, once the manic phase of a mid-life crisis burns out, the person reverts to “settling” for their current life situation. Not a very inspired way to live the rest of one’s life. By the way, “settling” and “acceptance” are worlds apart.
A mid-life transformation starts out the same way –a sudden realization that a) life is short (and getting shorter by the day), and b) you are not happy with your current state of affairs. Those who use this new-found awareness as a jumping off point for true transformation react quite differently from those is “crisis” mode. There is no panic or fear-based reaction. The first thing that happens is true acceptance of what is, then a deep inquiry as to what can be.
A mid-life transformation is an inside job, internally focused. There is little concern about what others think –a good thing because many people going through true transformation tend to lose many of their “friends” who are threatened by the “new you”. A mid-life transformation is about assessing (and being grateful for) all the skills and experience you have acquired so far and re-purposing them to design and live the life you want. A mid-life transformation is not about acquiring anything, it is about releasing what was always inside of you that was afraid to come out all those previous years.
There is something far worse than a mid-life crisis however. And that is being so dead inside that you never have one. Millions of otherwise hardworking, decent law-abiding people exist with barely a flicker of life. They go through the motions, smile when appropriate, tip the waiter, say hi to the mailman and hang out with friends whose lives are as dead as theirs. These are people who are so afraid of who they really are and the possibility of their own greatness that they bury any glimpse of that awareness. They’re born, they live, they die and all they have to show for it is a little 2″ dash between dates on their tombstone. These are people who live complaining about what is and die with nothing but regrets.
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
~~Henry David Thoreau
So if you had (or are about to have) a mid-life crisis –celebrate! It means you are still alive and a bit more aware. Now the trick is to turn that awareness into an opportunity to transform your life from the inside out. Take full responsibility and go for everything you are worth until your last breath. Do that and I guarantee you will live life fully and have no regrets at the end of this journey.
Lose Your I’s to See and Be Seen
Saturday, January 28th, 2012
As social beings one of the most important things to us is to be “seen” – that is noticed, cared about and feel relevant to others. Likewise there are few things worse than becoming “invisible” to those we most want to be seen by whether they be family, friends, prospects, clients or lovers. How ironic that there is a common habit of which we are all guilty that literally guarantees people will not see us fully (or us them). Here’s what it is and what you can do about it.
The Most Alienating Word In the English Language
It’s amazing how the innocent, tiny word “I” can cause so much trouble –especially since it is so endearing to those who use it liberally. Don’t let its size fool you because it packs a huge punch. The moment you use the word “I” (or one of its cousins “me”, “mine” etc.) whether verbally or in print, you have made yourself just a bit harder to see and those who you are communicating with, harder to be seen. The more you use it, the worse the effect.
The reason this happens is that it is hard-wired into our human nature to want to be seen by others. The moment someone uses “I” when communicating with you, they have preempted your chance at being seen by insisting that you see them first. Which of course has the exact opposite effect because now (feeling somewhat dissed) you concentrate even more about being seen by them rather than really listening to what they are saying. This can devolve rather quickly to the point where even two friends at dinner end up just txting others because of the illusion of “connection” that txting can give oneself. You’ve probably seen it happen.
Have you ever been with a friend, colleague or family member who rudely txts while supposedly spending quality time with you? And if so, how does that make you feel? In that context, txting is a sign of severe “I” disease. You apparently are not “seeing” them enough so they disconnect from you and delude themselves into thinking that whomever they are txting is somehow seeing them more. Meanwhile you are making a mental note to never invite them again.
As bad as that is, it can be worse, much worse. For example, a friend who is so self-absorbed that practically every other word out of her mouth is “I” (with lots of “me”, “my” and “mine”s thrown in for good measure). To the point that you are not really there except simply as a mirror through which they can admire themselves that much more. This is a form of narcissism that typically precludes these types of individuals from having any real meaningful long-term relationships and often has them wondering cluelessly as to why that is.
So, how do you cure “I” blindness? It’s really so simple, that it has been right in front of your nose all the time…
Say Bye, Bye, Bye to All Those I, I, I’s
You want to connect powerfully (and be seen clearly) by your family, friends, prospects and clients? It’s easy, eliminate the word “I” from your vocabulary and substitute ”you”, “your”, “yours”. Do that consciously and watch the magic happen. For example, before you hit “SEND” on your next email, take a moment to count how many “I’s” it contains –you will probably will be blown away by the number. Now, rewrite the email to eliminate every one of them –that’s right, every single one with the focus shifted to the recipient. This takes practice at first, however after a few times it will become second nature and you will never send an I-filled email again.
Doing this verbally with another person can be challenging. So here’s a way to make it fun for both of you. Next time you have a meal with a friend (always best to practice with them first :0), agree to the rule that the first person to say five or more “I’s” during the meal picks up the tab. In the highly unlikely event that neither of you used “I” five or more times, you split the tab. The beauty of this approach (once you gotten over the “gotcha” attempts playful friends try at first) is that it forces you to consciously ”see” the other person first. And when one person feels seen, they will usually reciprocate. The only exception to this is if the other person happens to be a narcissist –in that case your efforts of seeing them just feeds their bottomless hunger to be the center of attention (at least it’s a great way to get a lot of free meals :0)
The bottom line is this: If you want to be truly seen by others, strive to see them first. And the way to do this is to have the courage to lose your “I’s”.
Funny Anecdote:
Imagine living with a college roommate for almost a year who has only known you to have a full head of very blond straight hair AND a very jet-black curly beard (quite a striking combination :0). Then one day, after months of living together, you completely shave off your beard. When the roommate comes home that evening you ask if he notices anything different about you. He looks and looks and can’t for the life of him see any change. Then you tell him and he about falls on the floor. Talk about not being seen – this actually happened. And as a postscript, this “blind” roommate ended up going into real estate sales :0)
One Question That Will Transform Your Life and Business
Saturday, January 7th, 2012
I recently learned something powerful from my good friend and fellow coach Bob Corcoran. He always asks his coaching students (and himself) a simple yet profound question, that when answered truthfully, almost always transforms their business and life.
“What are your mooring lines?” In other words, what is holding you back from being the very best you can be. The reason this question is so powerful is that it puts the responsibility of our life and business success squarely on our shoulders and no longer allows us to blame others.
As you know, mooring lines are the things that prevent hot-air balloons from rising, planes from taking off and ships sailing away. In just the same way, they are the things that prevent us from soaring, from truly living life fully, from achieving our highest business success. Mooring lines are unique to each person. No two people have the exact same ones.
There are many different types of mooring lines. See if any of these ring true for you:
- Limiting Beliefs – seeing your world as “small” so you feel safe in being small. Not accepting possibilities that are right in front of your nose for all kinds of “because” your mind will throw your way. You were designed to live and work large and this mooring line will prevent you from doing that.
- People and Relationships – chances are you have existing relationships that are absolutely holding you back. These creatures can take the form of “energy vampires” (where you feel exhausted just being around them), “complainers and nay-sayers” (who quickly throw a wet blanket on any attempt to change for the better) and “green monsters” (who outwardly applaud your successes yet inwardly seethe with envy). These mooring lines can be hard to cut because our society puts such a high value on relationships (as it should). Yet here’s the thing, when you cut these lines it frees you up to find new relationships that support rather than constrain.
- Negative Emotions – anger, frustration, etc. (to name a few) can all be powerful mooring lines because they take up so much of our energy and time. The way to cut these lines is learning to become “unattached” to outcomes. The fine skill of being totally committed to something yet unattached as to whether you achieve it or not is one of the most powerful you can have for both business and life.
- Lack of Gratitude – seeing the glass as half-empty vs. half-full holds you back from seeing unbelievable possibilities. Now imagine how different your life and business would be if you saw everything that happens to you, no matter how devastating, as a blessing in disguise.
- Being Shut Down – sometimes the pain of life is so unbearable we shut our heart down to avoid feeling it anymore. The problem is that you don’t feel anything else anymore as well. The way to cut this mooring line is to imagine your heart being open, even in painful or threatening situations (which admittedly takes lots of practice). And once you let this line go, you are free to accept the most powerful gift life can offer us, love.
You may be wondering why “Fear” was not part of that list. Actually, the very strands of every mooring line are woven with the fiber of fear. Behind each one is fear when you really get down to it. It just shows up in different forms.
Now here’s the best news. No one but you is holding on to your mooring lines. You have the free will, the choice, to let each and every one of them go. Will it be easy? Most likely not. Will it be worth it? You already know the answer.
Healthy Benefits of Indulging
Monday, November 28th, 2011
Are you like me? Feel like you ate the entire Thanksgiving table by yourself? With groaning belly, your little internal voice scolds, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Then the guilt kicks in, you beat yourself up and promise to never do it again. But it’s OK – really! See, it’s actually good for you! Here’s why…
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!
― Mae West
It’s commonly called “indulgence” and is most often looked at as a negative kind of thing. People who indulge themselves are viewed as lazy, greedy, and selfish. In striving to maintain our self-image as good and decent folk, we deny ourselves things we truly desire, both big and small. The more we refuse to acknowledge these things, greater importance gets attached to them and we have to work all the harder to not indulge. Talk about stressful! That’s right – the stress of NOT doing something can be more harmful than doing it (in moderation of course).
Now, suppose for a moment that instead you denied those little voices telling you that to indulge in something is bad, and gave yourself permission to enjoy. Oooo – there now, doesn’t that feel good? Not only do you have that little reward, but you have a few other things going for you. Firstly, people who take time to do something for themselves are shown to have an increased sense of self-worth and accomplishment, because you know have the ability to reap the reward of your work. Secondly, when you admit to a weakness or desire and let go of judgment over it, you find that thing has much less hold on you going forward. Finally, by being honest with yourself, you are building a true and realistic image of yourself rather than a false one based on ideals.
Keep in mind however, that any indulgence should be safely within the bounds of your lifestyle and kept under moderation. Making a conscious choice to enjoy life’s little pleasures should never pose a serious danger to health and well being.
That being said, the next time that voice says “You shouldn’t do that,” feel free to answer, “Oh yes I should! It’s good for me!”
Living and Working Fearlessly
Saturday, September 24th, 2011
Had quite a conversation with my best friend this morning. We were discussing what it meant to have a full / “ideal” life. Her’s was having strong connections with loving family and friends, a stable career, a reasonable lifestyle and contentment with all of that. My definition of an “ideal” life was markedly different. One that, if you consider carefully, could have a major impact on your own business and life.
Ponder this for a moment: Everyone alive on this planet today will likely be dead in 100 years from now (major breakthroughs in life extension notwithstanding). We have just so much time and when it’s over it’s over, fini, caput. So given this context, is what you are currently doing and even more importantly, who you are currently “being” represent your full, ideal life?
It’s a safe bet how 99.99% of people living in the developed world will answer this question. Money, possessions, deep loving relationships, exciting lifestyle, etc. won’t cut it if you are in “prison”. A prison where the seemingly impenetrable bars are made of nothing more than of our fears about living fully, outrageously and from our hearts.
How many of us have “comfortable” relationships, comfortable jobs, comfortable lifestyle, comfortable distractions and so on. The more affluent of a society we live in, the easier it is to be sucked into “comfortable” rather than living fully —which by definition means allowing oneself to fully and intensely feel pain, pleasure, love and overall lust for life. Striving to be comfortable, safe and protected is like soundproofing your soul as the universe is playing Bach’s 5th symphony. You know something great is occurring and you are afraid of what might happen if you let go of all self-imposed protections to experience it.
Imagine what your life (and by extension, your business) would be like if you were “fearless”. Not that you can or even should eliminate all fear, but playing full out in spite of fear. Breaking free of the self-imposed prison bars of fear. Freeing yourself up to infinite possibilities you never could have imagined…
Fate loves the fearless.
~ James Russell Lowell
Our hearts are always whispering to each and every one of us. It is very hard to hear when we bury ourselves in work and distractions. We each have our own true path during this blink of an eye we call life. Your heart is your guide and your head is your servant to help you achieve what the heart knows is best for you. You don’t have much time left, so use it wisely.
Outrageous!
Sunday, September 18th, 2011
Have you ever felt “stuck” in your business or life? If so (and frankly, most currently do on both counts) perhaps it is time to be, well… outrageous.
Outrageous is not about being goofy or tastelessly offensive for the sake of eliciting the biggest reaction from others. On the contrary, being outrageous is all about letting who we really are come out and shine for all the world to see —without concern or attachment to how others (even close others) see you.
It is no accident that some of the most successful people in the world are considered outrageous. My personal hero is Richard Branson of the Virgin group of companies. I can’t imagine anyone having more fun, while making more money, while changing the world for the better than him. Another favorite of mine is Rush Limbaugh. Regardless of your political leanings, you’ve got to admit that this guy (who I believe never finished college) does and says exactly what he wants and as a result attracts the largest radio audience in the U.S. and “Has more fun than a human being should be allowed to have!”
You see that’s the beauty of being your outrageous self. Doing so will attract far more people to you than any other way. Human beings are almost preternaturally attracted to those who have discovered the secret of just allowing the entirety of who they already are shine through —like moths to a bright flame.
For most people, being outrageous is the purest form of who they are, who they “be”. The jaw-dropping reaction we normally equate with “outrageous” is because almost everyone is so constrained in the way they live and interact that when someone does allow their true “outrageousness” to show, it is a shock to those who witness it.
I have Dalinian thought: the one thing the world will never have enough of is the outrageous.
~ Salvador Dali
Being truly outrageous in the manner described here takes tremendous courage and a willingness and faith to let go of all pretenses. Few are currently willing to do this which is the primary reason being outrageous will cause you to stand out incredibly. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. When you are ready to truly be outrageous, the world will unfold like a beautiful flower and you will surely wonder why you waited so long to be who you already are.
These Bullets Are Real
Saturday, September 10th, 2011
My 19 year old son Max and I went to a shooting range yesterday. Being raised in the rural regions of Upstate NY I’ve grown up with guns. Max on the other hand had never shot a weapon in his life. And even though I had experience, it has been nearly 30 years since I last fired a gun. In addition to having some great father-son time together, we both came to a sobering realization. It’s one thing to pull the trigger, but it is quite another to be on the receiving end…
We got to shoot some pretty awesome weapons including 9mm, .40 and .45 semi-automatic pistols, a .50 caliber revolver (that was more of a hand cannon!) and a very cool semi-automatic assault rifle. In case you were wondering, my favorite was the .45 caliber Sig Sauer semi-automatic pistol. Apparently I wore a big grin every time I got to fire it. That was quite an introduction to firearms for someone who had never even previously held one in his hand.
As we were shooting away, Max and I both started to think about how horrible it must be dodging bullets fired from these powerful weapons. Something our brave men and women in the armed forces have to do every day.
It’s one thing to see shooting on TV, in movies or a video game. It’s quite another experiencing its deadly power first hand. Yesterday Max and I had a crash course on how to shoot safely, properly and somewhat straight. But most of all, we gained an appreciation for how much courage our fighting men and women have and all they give just so we have the freedoms we do.
Think on this as you consider dodging the “bullets” that business may send your way this coming week. You get hit by one of those it may ruin your day, but it won’t take your life.
Celebrate Turning Your Job Into a Business
Saturday, September 3rd, 2011
Ah Labor Day, the last hurrah at the end of Summer typically featuring beach, buns and BBQ —all in the name of having… a “job”! Given that over 14 million in the U.S. alone don’t have one, that should be something to celebrate. Personally I would be in a much more excited about celebrating a “Business Day” or “Entrepreneur Day” holiday. Unfortunately most people who think they own a business really just have a job. Here’s how you tell the difference.
The amount of money you make doesn’t determine whether you have a business or job, it’s how you make your money that does. For example, you really only have a job if you:
- don’t get paid unless you do the work yourself;
- are the only one that knows how everything gets done;
- built your book of business around your own name (i.e. created the brand of “you”);
- constantly run around putting out fires;
- have trouble handling the work you already have, much less grow it;
- are a “jack of all trades” doing most, if not all, that needs to get done by yourself.
Now really, does the above seem like something you want to celebrate?
Whereas when you truly have a business it works for you, not the other way around. Things get done and money is made whether you are there or not. And, you have something to sell because it’s not about you and the operations side has been fully documented which essentially means you’ve made your business “turnkey” for any buyer.
So as you chomp down on that burger, swill your beer and fry you skin in Summer’s dwindling sun think carefully about what you really have. And perhaps more importantly, what you could have if you only chose to.
How to Surrender to Success
Sunday, August 28th, 2011
Have you ever felt that the more you push forward, the more life and business pushes back? If so, (and most have) then perhaps it’s time to surrender. Now I didn’t say “give up” which is completely different. Here’s why “surrendering” can be your E-ticket to moving forward and achieving what you really want.
If you have enjoyed any measure of success chances are you feel it is due to your grit, drive and determination that got you there, in spite of all set backs. And to a large part that is probably true. Here’s the thing, just because pushing hard worked before, doesn’t mean it’s the appropriate strategy all the time. In fact, there will be times when pushing hard is exactly the wrong thing to do.
Live and business is a lot like surfing. The power of the ocean waves dwarf’s any attempt on our part to control them. Yet if we learn when to take off, how to stand and steer we are in for one hell-of-a thrilling ride. And the best part is, the wave itself does most of the work. Sure, you will fall and occasionally be pummeled, but that’s just part of learning. Surfers don’t master the wave, they master how to ride it’s immense power.
The key here is don’t let your ego trick you into thinking that you can drive forward at any speed any time you want. All this leads to is exhaustion and frustration (and probably a lot of pissed off friends and family).
Life and business is a journey, one where we travel on our own unique path (or wave, if you prefer). Surrender to the subtleties of the one you are on and you will know when to push hard and when to back off. Trust me, you will enjoy it much more and go a lot further using much less energy. For what it’s worth, the ability to “surrender” is the very essence of coachability…
Generate Business NOW —Even As the World Crumbles
Monday, August 22nd, 2011
The news from Wall Street and Main Street (i.e. the housing market) could hardly be less encouraging. And to put a cherry on that sundae, the “experts” are now saying we will likely be entering another recession (like when did we stop having the first one?). This all begs the question: How are you going to generate new business when everything seems to be falling apart?
The first thing to remember is that no matter how bad the economy gets, people will still be buying and selling real estate. I remember being in the business (actively buying investment properties) when interest rates on 30 year loans were around 17% – 18%. The key is to help those who need to sell –right now! This means aggressively courting the FSBO’s and Expireds of the world. The majority of these folks need to sell, no other option available, which means they need YOU.
I made a lot of money during another recession (in the mid 1970′s) specializing in FSBOs. Here are some proven tips to help you turn these market opportunities (FSBO’s and Expired’s) into cash:
- Sell the appointment, not your service - you have to get “belly to belly” with these folks if you want to list their home. Many agents make the mistake of selling their services over the phone. The only thing you want to use the phone for is to get that in-person appointment. So get good, real good at selling the appointment.
- Be their advocate - FSBO’s and Expired’s tend to be stressed out and just a little bit cynical about Realtors. Make it clear that you are there to help them achieve all of their goals, whether or not you get the listing.
- Have an irresistible marketing plan - you better have something that will make them go “Wow!” when it comes to selling their property. Something that most other agents in your area are not likely to offer. For an incredible example of this review the 2/8/11 GUEST EXPERT “How to Win Every Listing and Have Sellers Pay You Upfront!“ Live Group Coaching archive.
There will always be business. And in times like these when it seems everything has been made that much more difficult, you may just be open to doing things that are proven to work, in any market. And that my friend is the gift of troubled times.
